By JohnnyYen (Undercover Shop Assistant)
1. Mr It-Used-To-Be
“How much is a case of Carlsberg?” he asks. I count to ten in my head, then reply, “£10.99,” and gesture towards a stack of six cases of Carlsberg, on which hangs a sign bearing the gnomic and impenetrable riddle, “CARLSBERG – FULL CASE £10.99”. He tuts.
“It used to be £9.99.”
Yes, it did. It also USED to be 25p for a litre of petrol. It USED to be £25,000 for a 3-bedroom semi with front and rear gardens. I USED to be able to do it seven times a night. You USED to have a wife, until she got sick of being married to a skinflint alcoholic and left, leaving you with nobody to annoy except the poor bastards who work in the nearest off licence. BUT NOT ANY MORE. So unless you’re going to fire up your Tardis and fly us both back to the glory £9.99 a case days, it’s TEN NINETY FRIGGING NINE.
He buys a case anyway. But he’ll be back next week. And he’ll ask again, and I’ll tell him again, and he’ll tell me how much it used to be again, and it’ll be the same every week until one day I twat him round the head with the non-inflation proof lager and do a wee on his comatose form right there in the shop, the bastard.
To be continued…