By JohnnyYen (Undercover Shop Assistant)
2. Resentful Polish Dude
Before we start, let me make it clear I hold no animus against Polish people. I am strongly pro-EU (well, anything that pisses off the Daily Mail and my ex-mother-in-law has to be good, right?), I have in my time been beaten, shunned and arrested for anti-racist rants and activities…I ain’t a Nazi. I welcome our Polish brothers and sisters, their charming kids, their inexpensive plumbers, and their delicious Sklep (which I believe to be some kind of stew, but I’m not altogether sure).
But this bloke…here it is. Word for word.
LONG-SUFFERING OFF-LICENCE DRONE: Can I help you sir?
RESENTFUL POLISH DUDE: Why is no Tyskie in fridge?
L-S-O-L-D: Uh…dunno. We just put what they tell us to in there. People at head office decide, probably after lengthy negotiations with their equally revolting counterparts from the beer companies, you know, the sort of high-powered, small-dicked twats who afterwards go for expense-account dinner at Frankie and Fucking Benny’s and behave like they know what good food is, then one of them offers to show the other lot “the sights” of Runcorn or Ashby-de-la-Zouch or Radlett or whichever pointless, futile little shithole their HQ is in, which turns out to be a branch of Revolution and The Most Depressing Lapdancing Club In The World. And then they send us a diagram showing exactly where the Stella goes. And Tyskie wasn’t on it, so it doesn’t get in the fridge.
RPD: IS BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE POLISH, RIGHT? HAH!
L-S-O-L-D: Uh….we have Okocim in the fridge.
RPD: I UNDERSTAND. [Pause and stare at me like he’s going to hit me]. 20 Pall Mall Red KING SIZE!
L-S-O-L-D: Here you go. £4.10 please sir.
RPD: [Throws right money down] I tell my friends. RACIST.
L-S-O-L-D: Thank you, come again.
OK so it wasn’t exactly word-for-word. I did say the last bit in the Apu voice though. Maybe I am a racist. Would The Simpsons ever have got away with making Apu a comedy Indian if they’d been British?